You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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