I want to have your abortion
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
