textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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