So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Randomize
