my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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