You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
