had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
