im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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