??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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