I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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