please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
