Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
