I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
