I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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