1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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