Jerry, you need to find god
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
