yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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