I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
