is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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