I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
