so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
