im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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