a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
