the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize