So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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