i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
