I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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