I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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