thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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