Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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