Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
