I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
