On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
