Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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