Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
