May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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