had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
