Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
