i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize