So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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