my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize