he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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