He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
