I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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