Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
