i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
