I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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