I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
