Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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