so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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