i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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