I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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