dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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