i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
