I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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