She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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