Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
