I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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