yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
