just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
