I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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