Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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