I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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