So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
