Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
