Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
