I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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