his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
