yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
